How can we feel safe in relationships with men? Feminist Advice Friday

A reader wonders how to overlook her partner's imperfect past

A reader asks…

I am a 36 year old woman, and I left my husband a few years ago due to so many of the patriarchy-informed behaviors you cover in your newsletters (weaponized incompetence, domestic and emotional inequity, etc.).

Much to my surprise, I reconnected with a man from college who I always considered the most feminist-minded and sincerely curious person I’d ever dated. I have known him for 15 years, and even through our time as acquaintances, we had many open conversations about difficult topics related to feminism, most initiated by him, to which he remained willing to be reflective and admit his shortcomings with a genuine desire to be a better man and person.

I am writing to you with a specific dilemma that I wonder if many of your readers face: I find it hard to even date a guy who is pretty wonderful, sincerely wants to continue to learn and evolve and be better—solely because he is a man. Despite already being far ahead of most men, he’s still a man, and grew up in a patriarchal culture. He’s still had missteps, he is a human who is imperfect, and as a man, just didn’t know what he didn’t know up until a certain point. Yet I find it SO incredibly difficult to be in a relationship with a man, because there is no possible way I could fully feel understood, as he has never experienced what I have as a woman, and no amount of empathy or education could replace lived experience. This lack of true understanding leads to a very real feeling of a lack of emotional safety and security in a relationship.

I do sort of refuse to accept that my standards are too high or my expectations are unrealistic; my mindset is kind of "This, or nothing;" if a man hasn’t lived a life of feminism to my standards, and doesn’t have a pretty clean record, that’s fine…..but I don’t need to date him, and would rather be alone. I do not have any interest in changing a person, nor do I want them to change for me. I want them to live and breathe these beliefs and values on their own, separately from me. (Which, to be fair, this man seems to do, but the itch is still not quite scratched for me).

My question is: I still care very deeply about this person, love him very much, and he is sincerely willing to do what it takes to learn and grow and understand why some of the things he did in the past—though pretty good by our standards of men—still weren’t perfect. Is there a way to accept a man’s imperfect past when he is good in the present?

Apologies if this is an overstep, but if you are open to answering, it would feel really helpful: have you faced these feelings with your husband/his past? My partner’s values and openness seem to be in line with you husband’s.

How can we feel content in relationships with men, when it feels like we are quite literally sleeping with the enemy?

My answer

You are sleeping with the enemy. This is the reality of patriarchy. Men are the biggest threats to women’s safety, health, and well-being. We have to be very clear about this. We must begin being honest that this is what we must consider when we consider a relationship with a man.

And men must know that women who engage with them have given them a huge gift, and taken a huge risk, gambling on the man’s humanity. What a tragedy that so many men repay this gift with nothing but contempt.

You can’t lose sight of the fact that you are indeed in an intimate relationship with your oppressor. This is someone who could do immense harm to you if he ever decided to—and in a world where rape and domestic violence are almost never prosecuted, and where other forms of abuse are viewed as normal male entitlements, he would almost certainly get away with it.

This is what I had to consider entering a relationship with my husband. I had to weigh whether the benefits of our relationship outweighed that risk. I had to assess how significant the risk of him going rogue and sexist was.

I decided that the immense and liberatory benefits of my marriage were worth the minuscule risk of my husband going rogue.

You must undertake the same consideration.

Here’s my concern: you frame your question this way: How do I get past my fear and anxiety in a relationship with a man?

This fear and anxiety is not the problem. Your fear of and anger at men can protect you.

You also note that he has past transgressions which you cannot overlook, and mention that “he’s still a man” who has had “missteps.”

What are those missteps? That may make the decision for you. If he has engaged in any relationship red flags, it’s time to leave. It worries me that you don’t list his missteps here, because that suggests they might be pretty egregious. And no amount of promising to be a feminist or do better should eclipse actual maltreatment.

It’s up to you to assess this and all relationships with men, but a few principles I think you should consider include:

• Not having relationships with men is valid, and often valuable. There is nothing wrong with distrusting men.

• If your relationship does not feel emotionally safe and you cannot make it so, then you should leave. You don’t need additional reasons or justifications.

• If he is engaged in ongoing misogynistic behavior that harms you, then you should leave. His reason does not matter. The fact that he is harming you does.

• If the benefits of this relationship do not seem worth the risks, or if you are not almost certain that he will never go rogue, then you need to leave.

• If your intuition tells you to leave, then leave.

• If you are staying because you fear being alone, then leave.

Lots of men weaponize their “journey” and talk about the nice guys they perceive themselves as or aspire to be. They can speak very beautifully about the changes they hope to make, the misdeeds they have committed in the past, the humanity of women. But they never manage to actually change, and when pressed, they lash out and demand nice guy status without actually doing anything nice.

Watch for this behavior in your partner. It is very easy to not become defensive and to talk about “doing the work.” It’s a lot harder to actually live a life of justice all day, every day. If he promises change and growth, ensure you’re actually seeing it.

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