'I can't cope right now!' The Weapons Abusive Men Use series

When men realize they're going to have to do their fair share, they often weaponize their mental health

Household labor inequality is a deliberate act—not an accident, and certainly not a genderless decision. This is why systems that involve making a list, hoping for the best, or endlessly talking about the issue in couples therapy just don’t work. It’s not about not knowing what needs to be done. It’s about power.

Some men explicitly know that they’re benefiting from this labor inequality. For others, the knowledge is implicit. In either case, when confronted with a demand to do more labor, abusive men will do anything to avoid giving up their free time and treating their partner as full human beings deserving of equity.

“I think you should have to serve me forever, that I should get more leisure time, and that I should never have to acknowledge your work because you’re a woman” is a hard sell. So men are keen to pretend it’s about something else—anything else—to buy time.

When a woman finally draws a hard line, and makes clear that there are going to be real consequences if she doesn’t get real equity, that’s when the tantrums begin. This often sounds like:

• “I’m on the verge of a breakdown and I just can’t take on more right now!”

• “I’m the most stressed I’ve ever been in my life, and you pile this on me!”

• “You’re constantly criticizing me no matter how hard I try, and I can’t cope with this stress!”

• “I’m already trying, and now you’re asking even more of me! I can’t live like this!”

• Crying/sobbing/whining incoherently

The message is clear: By asking for equity, you’re victimizing him. You’re the oppressor. He’s your victim. So you should just endlessly do more labor for him without complaint.

This is part of a series of bonus content for paid subscribers in which I address some of the weapons men use to deflect blame and avoid accountability. Previous pieces in this series have included:

• “We just have different standards!”

• “We just have different parenting styles: How men escape accountability for bad parenting”

• The silent treatment

• The weapons men use in fights: “You’re never satisfied with anything!”

• The arguments sexist men use in fights—and what they really mean

• The most important tool men use to maintain household labor inequality

• The weapons men use in fights: “You’re so controlling! Stop policing me!”

You can find the whole series here.

I also talk about the ways we gaslight women into thinking inequality and abuse are their own fault in this series.

Another important note: I’m collecting data for a new survey on the state of marriage. It’s a follow up to my last survey on the topic. Please participate, and consider sharing! You can find the survey here.

Also, the podcast bonus episode for paid subscribers only will be out tomorrow, so check back!