Weaponized vulnerability: When men treat accountability as abuse
Men who weaponize vulnerability pretend their abuse comes from a place of fragility.
“I guess I’m just worthless then!”
“I can’t do any better so I guess you should just throw me away.”
“You’d be better off if you just killed me.”
“If I’m so worthless I might as well just kill myself.”
This is weaponized vulnerability: the act of pretending to acknowledge harm, then demanding comfort for the very harm they have caused.
Weaponized vulnerability is a way for people who behave badly to pretend to be taking accountability without the burden of actually having to change. Patriarchy works by extracting resources for men—sex, time, labor, money—from women, without regard for the effect this has on women. Patriarchy teaches men they are entitled to these resources, and so patriarchal men don’t particularly care how they get the resources they desire. They just want them.
Weaponized vulnerability is a great way to extract more labor, because it capitalizes on women’s empathy and recasts men as the victim.
Here’s what’s behind this widespread phenomenon—and what you can do about it.
This is part of a series of bonus content for paid subscribers in which I address some of the weapons misogynist or abusive men use to deflect blame and avoid accountability. Some other pieces in this series include:
The weapons sexist men use in fights: “We just have different standards!”
The weapons sexist men use in fights: Blaming women for their reactions to bad behavior
The weapons men use in fights: “You’re never satisfied with anything!”
The arguments sexist men use in fights—and what they really mean
The most important tool men use to maintain household labor inequality
The weapons men use in fights: “You’re so controlling! Stop policing me!”