Feminist Advice Friday: Should I give up on relationships with men?
A reader wants a loving relationship, but wonders if pursuing one in a patriarchy is a fool's errand.
A reader asks…
What do heterosexual women who want romantic connection do? Should we give up on the idea of having fulfilling relationships with men? Should we recalibrate our ideas of relationships from long-term commitment to sex only? Should we somehow train ourselves to not want close relationships with men?
Many of your essays seem to end with essentially "leave already." I don't disagree. But--what if some of us actually do truly want some kind of romantic connection and only find it with men? What do we do with the tension of knowing that most men we meet are going to turn out to be lousy partners? The tension of wanting a fulfilling relationship but recognizing we have approximately the same chance of that as of winning the lottery? What if we can't quite convince ourselves not to want a live-in, long-term, fully committed, life-sharing companion who is a man?
It seems to me there is an emotional conflict here that can be very difficult to navigate, between "yes I know all this abusive treatment from men is true and all too common," and "but I still deeply wish I had a worthwhile romantic partner to share my life with.”
My answer
In a patriarchal society, all men pose a potential danger to women—and by the time you have assessed and identified the threat, it may be too late. Many women only begin to notice red flags once they are already pregnant or cohabiting. Patriarchy survives in part by blunting women’s ability to think critically about men from birth. We indoctrinate girls into the cult of patriarchy, encourage them to “just give him a chance” and overlook red flags, and then act shocked when those same women end up in abusive relationships.
Thoughtful dating begins with recognizing the immense nature of the threat, and also acknowledging that, as a woman, you have very likely been socialized to overlook red flags and see things as green flags that may actually be neutral or dangerous.
Thoughtful dating requires something else, too: the acknowledgment that while all men can be abusive, not all men are. There is nothing about manhood that makes abuse inevitable. I reject the determinist notion that men are doomed to abuse people. That’s just an excuse. Men can and should do better, and they must.
Every time a man mistreats you, it is because he has chosen to. Not because he doesn’t understand patriarchy, or doesn’t know any better, or is too dumb to know that women are people with feelings, or because you didn’t communicate the fact that you’re a human with feelings well enough. When we naturalize male abuse, when we make it inevitable, we’re essentially telling women to give up on decent treatment—because no matter who you are, you’re going to have to interact with men at least a little bit.
I reject hopelessness. I reject the notion that men can’t or won’t change. I believe a better world is possible.
But do I reject dating?
Well, that’s more complicated.
I can tell you that if my husband died or left me, I would never date another man again. My personal assessment is that for me, the risk would be too great.
We all have our own risk tolerance, though. You need to ask yourself whether you are 1) willing to take the risk; and 2) willing and able to do what you can to mitigate it.
There is no completely safe way to date or have relationships with men. But there are a number of things you can do to reduce your risk of abuse.
The first, and the very most important, is to be completely ok with being alone. You must fully and completely believe that being single is far superior than an average or mediocre (or worse) relationship with a man. If you don’t really believe that, then you must not date. Because if part of you is desperate to be with a man, if part of you needs a man to feel good about yourself, then you are going to settle. You are going to round abusive up to mediocre and mediocre up to good.
Men exploit this.
Men can tell when a woman is willing to settle. They give her bread crumbs to keep her invested, and become steadily more abusive.
Once you’re confident that you can be happy single, it becomes safer to date. You must be prepared to be ruthless, to make your needs clear from day one, and to cut things off at the first hint of misogyny.
I’ve written extensively about screening partners. Here are some past pieces you may find helpful:
Feminist Advice Friday: Do you have any advice for online dating?
Feminist Advice Friday: What are your tips for dating in a misogynist world?
Feminist Advice Friday: Do you have dating advice for college students?
5 things young women considering marriage need to know to protect themselves
Feminist Advice Friday: Is it reasonable to expect equality when I’m dating with kids?
How did you talk to your husband about household labor inequality?
In addition to considering partnership with men, though, I hope you’ll consider something else:
The romanticization and idealization of sexual love above all other kinds of love is a tool of patriarchy. Marriage is not the only way to have partnership. You can live in community with other women. You can raise children together with your best friend. Your relationships with other women are just as meaningful as your romantic relationships. They’re also a lot more likely to last, and a lot less likely to traumatize you. Please consider building a life around these relationships.
Contact me with your own Feminist Advice Friday question by emailing zawn.liberatingmotherhood@gmail.com.
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"I can tell you that if my husband died or left me, I would never date another man again." I am so relieved to hear someone else in a similar partnership say this. I have very little experience dating (almost none), but lucked out with my partner. I've educated myself, and once I understood the dating market, I let my husband know. It's just not safe. Especially for our son and other kids if we have more. It's not worth it to me to take that kind of risk. I've heard too many stories of men pretending, behaving wonderfully for years, and as soon as they've trapped their partner in marriage, they start secretly or outright abusing their children. I can't imagine being in such a terrible situation.
I guess the good news is that I am happy being alone!
I have repeatedly made the choice to be alone rather than remain in a bad relationship. I'm starting to believe that that is the only relationship success I can claim--the ability and willingness to get out of bad situations. It's not nothing! I think we should celebrate this as success as much as we venerate the walk down the aisle.
Unfortunately I can't say I have ever had the experience of non-romantic friends remaining in my life for significant periods of time. The last time I had a close female friend was third grade. I haven't, in general, found female friendships reliable. It's a good thing I am contented alone... though it does make facing old age a bit daunting.