Is there a way to use patriarchy to my advantage, or to thrive in a patriarchy? Feminist Advice Friday
A reader seeks ways to thrive in patriarchy, and wonders if women might be able to flip the script and use misogyny to their benefit.
A reader asks…
Is there any way we can play patriarchy for our own benefit? I feel, as there will never be a society that hasn't been built on patriarchy, that we are all screwed! I feel screwed for any choices I make in patriarchy. Judged and isolated if I stay single, nothing but a prop to a man if I engage in a relationship and still I'm nothing more if I become a mother, the state will just haven more ownership of my body and my information as a pregnant woman and a mother and patriarchy can really take hold.
I'm wondering, is there a loop hole for any of us? A way of staying true to ourselves, to our own interests and NOT compromising, losing out, or losing ourselves?
My answer
I reject the notion that there will never be a society not built on patriarchy. We have a moral obligation to build one. As long as there are feminists lobbying for change, each generation can make things a little better. We can be good ancestors, building a slightly better world that allows each subsequent generation to get freer than their foremothers.
The nature of patriarchy is that there’s no opt-out loophole. There are certainly things you can do to improve your life in a patriarchy: not marrying a man, or at least not marrying a misogynist one; never becoming a stay-at-home mother; maximizing your income; forming meaningful community. The list goes on from there.
Still, a woman can live the most perfect feminist life and still be victimized by patriarchy. It’s everywhere. And the degree to which it victimizes someone is not a measure of her good decision-making.
As long as there is patriarchy, it will make women’s lives worse than they would otherwise be. This is why I continue to maintain that feminists are happier. Rather than blaming ourselves for the misogynistic realities we face—bad partners, abusive relationships, anti-mother sexism, endless mom-shaming no matter what we do—we know the truth. The suffering is by design. It’s not your fault. And there’s a lot you can do about it. We can build a better world.
Building a better today and tomorrow can be a huge source of joy in a patriarchal society. We must believe in the possibility of better; every oppressive system thrives on the demoralization of the people it oppresses. So the first order of business in any feminist project must be doing whatever is necessary to resist demoralization. For me, this means unplugging from the news, avoiding doomscrolling, and not devoting all of my time to thinking about the horrors of the world or obsessing over horrors that may never unfold.
In a recent podcast episode, decolonization educator Desiree Stephens and I talked a lot about how joy is integral to feminism. Indeed, Black activists have always centered pleasure and thriving. Patriarchy makes life harder. It does not have to ruin your life. I reflect often upon people like Mumia Abu-Jamal and Nelson Mandela, who found ways to thrive and live meaningful lives from prison. Yes, they were oppressed. Yes, much of their joy had been stolen. But as long as we are alive there is something we can contribute, and some source of joy to be found.
You must find it. Doing so makes you more effective as an activist and supports you to live a better life.
In terms of weaponizing patriarchy, I think we can learn a lot from Kate Manne. One of Manne’s key insights is that patriarchy punishes women for stepping outside of gender roles, which means that some women are more vulnerable to violent backlash than others.
We can use this to our advantage, and even do it to intensify the power of our activism. This knowledge, coupled with the realization that authoritarianism thrives on demoralization and that pleasure is therefore radical, can inform our activist practice. Some examples of how I have used this in my own life:
I build social capital wherever I go, so that when I need to, I can burn that capital to stand up for others. I am always the one, in just about every group, yelling about racism, sexism, ableism, and other axes of oppression. However, I only do this when someone stands to benefit. When the sole purpose of talking about feminism is to create conflict, then talking about feminism harms me, wastes my time, and undermines my relationships.
For this reason, I don’t participate in arguments about feminism. When someone is being bullied, I always speak out, but this is different from allowing mindless men to waste my time on arguments that change no one’s minds. Stand up for the minority at work, for the woman bullied on the street, and for the friend shamed for her sexual practices. Ignore the dudes who want to argue with you. Use your time wisely.
I don’t advertise my feminism. There are not signs in my yard or on my car, because I don’t think this sort of advertisement does any good. It does, however, make me a target, and when I am in danger—or merely harassed—I am less effective.
I turn away from things that upset me when I am powerless to help. I instead focus my efforts on the areas where I have the most resources, knowledge, and power. So for example, I care deeply about our environment, but I am not that knowledgeable about climate change or environmental justice. I donate money to the people who are, vote wisely, and try to make good decisions in my daily life, but I don’t waste my limited time on an issue where I am ill-equipped to contribute much. I trust my environmentalist friends to tackle this issue, just as they trust me to tackle gender justice.
I seek out joy and pleasure wherever I can. Having a good marriage makes this feasible.
Importantly, I have also divested from my interest in what people think of me. There’s power in being comfortable being disliked. If people judge me for my choices, oh well. I’m not here to please them. I’m here to change this world and build the best possible life I can.
I urge you to adopt a similar approach. You must also get comfortable with the idea of being single. Comfort with being single will empower you to reject any man who displays red flags or otherwise fails to live up to your standards, which will greatly reduce your risk of becoming trapped in an abusive relationship.
There’s a lot you can do with a life. Do as much as you can, and connect with others who are doing the same.
Thank you for giving tangible steps, really appreciate your writing
🤯👏👏👏 Zawn you just get better and better with these hard-hitting guidance pieces. Thank you