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Is there a way to use patriarchy to my advantage, or to thrive in a patriarchy? Feminist Advice Friday
A reader seeks ways to thrive in patriarchy, and wonders if women might be able to flip the script and use misogyny to their benefit.
A reader asks…
Is there any way we can play patriarchy for our own benefit? I feel, as there will never be a society that hasn't been built on patriarchy, that we are all screwed! I feel screwed for any choices I make in patriarchy. Judged and isolated if I stay single, nothing but a prop to a man if I engage in a relationship and still I'm nothing more if I become a mother, the state will just haven more ownership of my body and my information as a pregnant woman and a mother and patriarchy can really take hold.
I'm wondering, is there a loop hole for any of us? A way of staying true to ourselves, to our own interests and NOT compromising, losing out, or losing ourselves?
My answer
I reject the notion that there will never be a society not built on patriarchy. We have a moral obligation to build one. As long as there are feminists lobbying for change, each generation can make things a little better. We can be good ancestors, building a slightly better world that allows each subsequent generation to get freer than their foremothers.
The nature of patriarchy is that there’s no opt-out loophole. There are certainly things you can do to improve your life in a patriarchy: not marrying a man, or at least not marrying a misogynist one; never becoming a stay-at-home mother; maximizing your income; forming meaningful community. The list goes on from there.
Still, a woman can live the most perfect feminist life and still be victimized by patriarchy. It’s everywhere. And the degree to which it victimizes someone is not a measure of her good decision-making.
As long as there is patriarchy, it will make women’s lives worse than they would otherwise be. This is why I continue to maintain that feminists are happier. Rather than blaming ourselves for the misogynistic realities we face—bad partners, abusive relationships, anti-mother sexism, endless mom-shaming no matter what we do—we know the truth. The suffering is by design. It’s not your fault. And there’s a lot you can do about it. We can build a better world.
Building a better today and tomorrow can be a huge source of joy in a patriarchal society. We must believe in the possibility of better; every oppressive system thrives on the demoralization of the people it oppresses. So the first order of business in any feminist project must be doing whatever is necessary to resist demoralization. For me, this means unplugging from the news, avoiding doomscrolling, and not devoting all of my time to thinking about the horrors of the world or obsessing over horrors that may never unfold.
In a recent podcast episode, decolonization educator Desiree Stephens and I talked a lot about how joy is integral to feminism. Indeed, Black activists have always centered pleasure and thriving. Patriarchy makes life harder. It does not have to ruin your life. I reflect often upon people like Mumia Abu-Jamal and Nelson Mandela, who found ways to thrive and live meaningful lives from prison. Yes, they were oppressed. Yes, much of their joy had been stolen. But as long as we are alive there is something we can contribute, and some source of joy to be found.
You must find it. Doing so makes you more effective as an activist and supports you to live a better life.
In terms of weaponizing patriarchy, I think we can learn a lot from Kate Manne. One of Manne’s key insights is that patriarchy punishes women for stepping outside of gender roles, which means that some women are more vulnerable to violent backlash than others.
We can use this to our advantage, and even do it to intensify the power of our activism. This knowledge, coupled with the realization that authoritarianism thrives on demoralization and that pleasure is therefore radical, can inform our activist practice. Some examples of how I have used this in my own life:
I build social capital wherever I go, so that when I need to, I can burn that capital to stand up for others. I am always the one, in just about every group, yelling about racism, sexism, ableism, and other axes of oppression. However, I only do this when someone stands to benefit. When the sole purpose of talking about feminism is to create conflict, then talking about feminism harms me, wastes my time, and undermines my relationships.
For this reason, I don’t participate in arguments about feminism. When someone is being bullied, I always speak out, but this is different from allowing mindless men to waste my time on arguments that change no one’s minds. Stand up for the minority at work, for the woman bullied on the street, and for the friend shamed for her sexual practices. Ignore the dudes who want to argue with you. Use your time wisely.
I don’t advertise my feminism. There are not signs in my yard or on my car, because I don’t think this sort of advertisement does any good. It does, however, make me a target, and when I am in danger—or merely harassed—I am less effective.
I turn away from things that upset me when I am powerless to help. I instead focus my efforts on the areas where I have the most resources, knowledge, and power. So for example, I care deeply about our environment, but I am not that knowledgeable about climate change or environmental justice. I donate money to the people who are, vote wisely, and try to make good decisions in my daily life, but I don’t waste my limited time on an issue where I am ill-equipped to contribute much. I trust my environmentalist friends to tackle this issue, just as they trust me to tackle gender justice.
I seek out joy and pleasure wherever I can. Having a good marriage makes this feasible.
Importantly, I have also divested from my interest in what people think of me. There’s power in being comfortable being disliked. If people judge me for my choices, oh well. I’m not here to please them. I’m here to change this world and build the best possible life I can.
I urge you to adopt a similar approach. You must also get comfortable with the idea of being single. Comfort with being single will empower you to reject any man who displays red flags or otherwise fails to live up to your standards, which will greatly reduce your risk of becoming trapped in an abusive relationship.
There’s a lot you can do with a life. Do as much as you can, and connect with others who are doing the same.
🤯👏👏👏 Zawn you just get better and better with these hard-hitting guidance pieces. Thank you
Zawn, I love your work. It inspires me, validates my feelings, makes me go “ooh yeah, that’s exactly what I’m trying to articulate”, and sometimes it makes me consider things from a new angle. Over this last year though, I've noticed a pattern of my hackles rising at a certain point: mums being asked not to stay home at all costs. I’m a “stay at home” mum - I put it in quotations because days go past when my children and I barely touch base long enough to grab a meal and have a kip! When I first noticed your articles asking women to not stay home, I initially filed them as irrelevant to me, then I started to feel guilty that I couldn't “do it all”. But today I wanted to try unpick a few things in my brain related to this issue, and I want to share my findings with you, because I hope you’ll help me put it into context. If you have time. I really appreciate your time.
I want to be a stay at home mum. I think it is important feminist work. Because I am building an amazing village to support me and my kids become enlightened, psychologically healthy people who can change the world. It consumes my whole being to even come close to feeling like I am achieving this. I honestly don’t know how I could have a paid job on top of this. I am physically and mentally exhausted just keeping up this level of good enough mothering and human-ing!
My values lead my life, most importantly this particular one (that really has a thread running through every facet of life): being at peace with myself, my planet and my fellow people. So, this involves home educating my children. Because, as a former teacher, I can vouch for the system not having the same goal. The school system upholds the rat race lifestyle, pitting people in competition against each other and abusing the planet in order to consume more luxury goods that signify to others one’s worth and success within the system. By removing myself and never exposing my kids to this, I feel I am holding tight to my values. But this choice also means I have to create (from scratch as I had no home educated acquiantances, let alone friends) a support network who have similar values. This is time consuming. I have succeeded, more or less. Phew! So that was a few years of immense emotional slog.
Home educating has taken over my entire life. By choice. And I love it. I honestly love facilitating meet ups, gathering with like minded friends, pursuing hobbies that improve our friendship with animals and the earth etc etc etc. It makes my soul happy. I mean, yeah, it is bloody hard work holding it all together and feeling solely responsible for my kids education. But I honestly feel I am the best person for the job. I don’t want to be separated form village building with my fellow feminists who want to raise empathetic cycle breakers. Here comes the catch… you guessed it…who is paying for our board and lodgings while we do all this? Yes, our male partners. So, where am I going wrong? Should I be fighting for basic universal income, no strings attached? Then I wouldn't need a man’s paycheck to facilitate my village of feminists?
I honestly believe, having read many things by many people, and witnessing firsthand throughout my own teaching career, that schools are harmful in so many ways. Harmful to kids, to parents, the environment, the staff. Perhaps I should be fighting to reform the school system? But I honestly believe that schools themselves are the problem. I have come to believe that children (and then by extension, entire communities) would be better off being raised by their own parents alongside a hoard of friends and helpers. But this means one parent needs to be always available at all times. How do we facilitate that (In a patriarchal world)?
Thanks for reading this far. I hope that I’m managing to get across what I mean inside my own head!
Sending lots of love,
Mel